Lost And Safe – The Slickest Boy In the Universe
Ok, so this past New Years I met up with this friend of mine whom I haven’t seen in forever on account’a her studying abroad in Italy. We were at this party, and she brought along this friend from home. This, mind you, was the first time her friend and I had ever met. Also be mindful of the fact that by that point, I had a few cups of jungle juice under my belt, immediately followed by a few visits from the forget-who-you-are-cuz-your-mother-never-loved-you fairy. So while we met, we never really “met”.
Anywho, the night went on, we conversed (i think), and were pretty friendly with eachother (in all likelihood).
Fast forward to about a week and a half later. This same aforementioned Italy friend was having a birthday party, and I, being the most requested and admired guy in the universe (surpassing Slash, Kanye, and Jesus), was invited. I took the train into Boston that night, dressed to impress with the confidence to match. I was hungry and realized I hadn’t eaten that day. Maybe i could swing by Burger King on the way, I thought. I arrived at South Station and considered maybe picking something up there, but decided I could hold out a bit longer. Oh God, if only I knew what I know now… Damnit I would have stayed.
As fate would have it, I boarded the Red Line to Alewife, and got off at Park Street. As I was waiting for my next train, I walked by a familiar face. After a moment of consideration, it suddenly hit me – it was Italy friend’s friend, the one who’s existence was questionable up until that very sober moment. Damnit, what was her name? Should I say hi? How can I say hi without even knowing her name? What could we even talk about for an entire train ride? Maybe she was too trashed to remember me. Just act like you didn’t see her. With my eyes firmly glued to the ground, I walked to the opposite side of the train stop. When it arrived, we boarded on opposite sides. Score. I was in the clear. The train was way too packed for her to- shit! Is she coming over here?! DON’T.. COME.. OVER-!”
This next part was undoubtedly my shining moment of the night. Sure enough, she recognizes me, AND remembers my name. She offers a welcoming greeting – you know, the kind that immediately kills off any anxious/nervous feelings. The kind that says “hey, let’s make this NOT WEIRD.”
My response: A smile. No hand gestures, no big people words, no evidence of possessing any basic communication skills – just… a smile. Her reaction was actually pretty funny though. You know how sometimes your face responds in spite of your attempts to remain still. There’s this sort of subtle contortion, like someone just squished a bug in front of you or you caught a whiff of something awful. Yep, that was her. She quietly stepped back into a corner and avoided eye contact for the rest of the ride.
I attempted to sneak off on an earlier stop, but alas, she was standing directly in front of the door. It was either slip by with a high chance of another horrible (albeit brief) confrontation, or get off at the same time, and attempt to either run ahead (not likely, i’m a fat kid), or walk creepily behind. It was like choosing between the Holocaust and 9/11.
We ended up both getting off at Fenway, so I tried to keep my distance behind them. Clearly God (also known as Santa Clause and The Boogie Man) was punishing me for SOMETHING, because no matter how hard I tried, there was no point where I could get more than 10 feet away from this girl. We’re talking lurker in the shadows distance hear. Like, there are two possible outcomes of me being that close – a rape or a mugging. That poor, poor girl.
It wasn’t long before we got to a cross walk bombarded with traffic, effectively forcing an end to my stubborn avoiding. The cat was out of the bag. She asked, with a hint of caution, if I had remembered who she was. To which I responded “Yeah! (obviously).” Like a dork I tried to play it cool, like nothing ever happened. She was a sweetheart about it too, making several (failed) attempts to make conversation on the way to the apartment. It turned out her friend (the birthday girl) hadn’t even showed up to her own party yet, so without me she wouldn’t have been able to get in. Funny how smoothly it all worked out.
…That girl is going to hate me forever.
Leave a Reply